Underworld: Evolution

I had such high, high hopes for this movie. I really did. I watched the first one back in '03, and loved it. It was a good, solid vampire/werewolf/half-breed movie (if there is such a thing). This film was put together by two guys that are relatively new to the industry, having only these two films credited to them for directing/writing. I can't believe that they'd push a sequel out, but I gave it a fair shot.

What's right about this movie?
Not much, but I'll give it a little credit. If you're looking for a sort of campy, sort of "dont think about this or you'll ruin it" sci-fi/fantasy, this movie is going to be fine for you, no complaints. It's not bad, if that's what you're in it for. The action is GREAT, there's lots of cool made-up folklore and legends that lead you to believe you've had it wrong all these years about vampires and werewolves. Kate Beckinsale delivers a solid performance, all bad writing aside, and the story is woven well with the first film, so well in fact that I'd say you didn't have to see the first one to understand this one. It might actually make you look forward to a third installment, if you can get past the issues I'll discuss later.

Trilogy/Mult-part Series Soap Box
But, if you're looking for the next big saga to hold you over for spiderman 3, X-men 3, or Harry Potter 5,324, then you're going to be vastly disappointed. This solid, one-part film tried to step up to the plate and compete in an era of trilogies and falls tragically short.

Had they just left it alone with one solid film, we'd all be ok. This is the problem with Hollywood today, a good idea has to keep making money until it becomes awful, and THEN they quit exploiting it. Well, maybe a few video releases....well, then maybe a tv spinoff or two....and some t-shirts....and THEN they quit exploiting it.

In the end, with most action movie successes, the market is over saturated with it, bored with it, and it just starts to suck, no matter how good it was in the beginning. It's like a great date that should have ended after the intriguing dinner conversation, and picked up another night, but instead, your date said "you know, I know this great park we could take a walk in!" Where you are subsequently beaten, robbed and left out to dry with no pants or spare change to speak of.

All lame sequel issues aside, what's wrong with this movie...
Underworld: Evolution falls short in simple storytelling more than anything else, especially when it stands alone. While I did say that there was a good weave of part one and part two, such that the story picks back up smoothly, the story becomes diluted in the lore of vampires, the legends of werewolves, and the over-use of fluorescent contact lenses.

I was left sitting in the theater, saying to myself, "wait, can she die? Can she die like THAT? Why do those bullets hurt that thing, I thought he was a werewolf? OH, right, UV bullets...makes sense...so, why's THAT guy over there alive? Didn't he get impaled? OH, he's a hybrid something or another, the rules don't apply there.....wasn't that guy the FIRST EVER vampire? OHHH, not him, he's not the first, he's sort of the second-first, and the crazy wing-guy is the FIRST first." AAGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!! Someone tell me what is HAPPENING. Where is the humanity in this film? Where's the mortal danger? If everyone's immortal, been alive thousands of years, and not likely to die unless absolutely necessary, there is no DRAMA.

I had no sense of impending doom while watching this movie. It was like watching 5 year olds make up the rules of a game as they go along. No one loses. They just make up a "I can't lose for that reason" clause and move on. Until someone loses an eye.

When all the good guys seem to be untouchable, all the bad guys are kind of stupid and mostly just drooling, slimy, ugly guys with father-issues, a guy like me just sort ends up waiting on it to end. Happily, of course. Because these movies never surprise.

Go see this movie for fun, but please don't look at this as the next great series of vampire/werewolf movies. When you see part two, you can FEEL the marketing oozing out of it. This movie was made simply because the first one worked. Sometimes, the industry should just leave well enough alone.